Dear Mr. Paul Ryan,


We’re fucked, but you already knew that. So, let’s move on.


Do you know what’s strange? A few years ago, people like you scared the shit out of me. You all looked like fanatical zealots who loved ignorance and stagnation. You all looked like weird, antiquated versions of American stereotypes. You all looked like people who represented fallacious values that weren’t in line with my own, so I went out of my way to avoid voting for Republicans. Most of us did. Thus, your party was dying. But then you went rogue. You let the tea party out of your basement—in retrospect, it’s obvious that they should’ve stayed chained down there like the gimps that they are, but whatever. It is what it is. They did their damage and created a few more red seats in congress, but then entropy set in, and the tea party started to fade. Short attention spans bring with them no real change. And then, Hillary appeared on the horizon. Now, desperation… You gave Donald Trump a microphone.


Why did you do that? As I was saying earlier, Republicans like you used to scare me, but now, I miss having your relative normalcy as one of the possible presidential outcomes. And my “why did you do that” question wasn’t rhetorical; I want an answer. I heard that you weren’t willing to run for the presidency because you wanted to spend more time with your family, with your children. Is that true? Did you have to have the same sad talk with your daughter about Trump that I did? Do you realize that you set women back by about a century by letting that man lead your party? Do you realize that in an attempt to strengthen your family, you actually screwed it along with millions of other families for quite some time? Do you realize that you’re a public servant by choice, but when it really mattered, you chose to not serve the public? Jesus man; if Trump beat Hillary, you could’ve too. Your party would’ve had power and dominance and all the avarice you could eat, but instead, you gave a fuck-tard nuclear codes.


But you know what? There are plenty of platitudes we could choose from: Monday morning quarterbacks never miss, hindsight is 20/20, so on and so forth. I’m not writing this letter to give you shit for your mistakes. I’m not just going to tell you things you already know without showing you a path out of your mire. Think about this: Trump was a grenade that the people threw at you because congress sucks. It’s plain and simple. But you have a way out: stop sucking. Come together as a congress that works in unison and represents the people. Stop pushing only your conservative agenda and try some actual give and take. Think about us, not lobbyists. Think about right and wrong, not left or right, because believe it or not, these terms don’t always line up the way that you think they do. We were taught about checks and balances in elementary school, and now, I’m a grownup who’s hoping with fingers crossed that “checks and balances” wasn’t just bullshit that was fed to me right along with those greasy, square pizzas. So please start checking and balancing.


In the end, you know what’s going to happen. Trump isn’t going to appoint a special prosecutor to imprison Hillary because that’s not in the president’s power, nor will she ever go to jail. Trump isn’t going to build that wall because it isn’t economically feasible. Trump isn’t going to ban Muslims from entering our country because it’d be unconstitutional (remember when Republicans understood the constitution?). Trump isn’t going to deport all those immigrants because his business buddies rely on them for cheap labor. Trump isn’t going to do any of the things that he said he was going to do, and eventually, his supporters are going to figure it out (it’ll take them a while for obvious reasons, but it’ll dawn on them eventually). Economically and politically, the next four years are going to suck, and now, there’s nobody left to blame because Republicans control all government branches. So what’s going to happen in four years when “republican” is synonymous with “disgrace”? What’s going to happen when you’re up for reelection?


I guess what I’m saying is that I need you republicans to start actually being Republicans. See what I did there with the capitalization? Get away from all your social bullshit and get back to your roots: less government. And don’t tell me that’s what you’re about currently because it’s not. Think about it. Blocking gay marriage equals more government. Keeping weed illegal equals more government. All your asinine, social regulations equal more government, and that’s why we centrists have fallen out of love with your party. You say one thing and do another, and nobody likes hypocritical rulers; the dichotomy negates the supposition that you’re qualified to govern. So, it’s time to choose. You can recast your party in the mold that Lincoln used to create it: mother fucking freedom. Freedom from slavery. Freedom from prohibition. Freedom from gender oppression (wasn’t it just hilarious when all those Trump supporters wanted to take away women’s voting rights? LOL?). Freedom from all the things that we’ve been telling you that we want to be free from. Or, after reality sets in a few years from now, when the tide turns blue, I’ll write you another missive that simply says “I told you so.”


Actually, I’m pretty sure that you’ll never read this, and even if you do, I’m pretty sure that your party is going to put its social agenda above your lip-service “less government” paradigm as per usual, so… never mind; I’m making my plea to someone else:


Dear Alien Overlords,


I’m sure that you’re reading this because aliens are famously voyeuristic, and I’m sure that you have mandates that are similar to our own when it comes to interfering with another species, but I beg you to reconsider. Do you know what I mean? When our National Geographic photographers see a suicide of lemmings running towards a cliff, the lemmings are allowed to die because stopping them would be “interfering with nature” (and it would refute their rad “suicide” group-noun). I hope you think that this notion is ridiculous just as I do—I hope you see that lemmings are to us what we are to you, and we need some help right now because the cliff is neigh.


After all, when I see one of my children doing something stupid like running with a blade, I have to take it away for their own safety. That’s kind of where we’re at right now, we humans and you super-advanced space-aliens, so I’m gunna need you to come step in and help us with this whole “we elected a dangerous narcissist to rule us with his anachronistic values because we were afraid of a president with boobs” thing. We’re about to fail as a species, but we’re too busy taking selfies to notice. Ergo, I’m gunna need you to come conquer us and take away our blade because we’re stumbling and the cut is going to be deep and global. The cut is going to be permanent. Please.






3 thoughts on “A Letter

  1. Hey Jesse. You are speaking my mind. Thank you

    However, when republicans talk about “less government”, they aren’t talking about the “people”, they’re talking about corporations. They’ve already stated they are going to remove regulations on the banks and oil and coal industries.

    I’m hunkering down for a recession because we know how well banks regulate themselves, and all of those Trump supporters will one day need to apologize to their kids and grand kids for all the pollution. I read that Trump is considering Sarah Palin for the Dept of the Interior (which oversees the oil/gas/coal industries). Burn Baby Burn.

  2. May I post this to FB?

    On Wed, Nov 9, 2016 at 8:38 PM, J.J. Anderson’s Blog wrote:

    > jjamesanderson posted: “Dear Mr. Paul Ryan, We’re fucked, but you > already knew that. So, let’s move on. Do you know what’s strange? A few > years ago, people like you scared the shit out of me. You all looked like > fanatical zealots who loved ignorance and stagnat” >

  3. Thank you. Sigh… Such a sad time, I think. I’ve seen many people who are not happy with this… horrible thing that has happened, talk about peace and love and hope, but I just don’t feel that. I feel what you say. I am so sickened by the results. I endured listening to my mother talk about why she voted for the dump. She didn’t like the way Hillary held her hands in the air (waving), her pant suits or the way she looked. Oddly, Hillary looks a lot like my mother used to and she only wears pants (never dresses). I don’t have to worry about my mother seeing this, as she would never read a blog (certainly not mine). I may have a spy or two, informing family to make sure I don’t write about them or tell secrets, but I regress. She called me two days after the election. Maybe three. I had been assaulted when I tried to vote early. I never got to vote. I was assaulted for no reason that I knew of. But I knew what party the person represented. Oddly, the man didn’t know who I was going to vote for, unless the beaded work on my jean jacket gave me away. Gloriously, she asked when I said Hello, “So. How did the election go for you?”

    I was shocked, but mostly hurt, that my own mother would act that way, to me, but like I said, I had so patiently listened to BS while Obama led our country. Racism was at the core. She called the first lady, only by her first name, with hatred. And, it is my name too. I have tolerated for so long. I’ve heard so much BS that my soul feels injured.

    I am sorry for this long comment. I just can’t hide behind the BS anymore. Thank you for your honest and, true, post!


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