I originally set this blog up in an attempt to construct a verbal lightning rod that’d lead people to my books, and I suppose that’s happened to a degree, but as of right now, most of my readers come looking for a medical diagnosis. A few months ago, I wrote about a time in my life wherein a weird trip through the desert and a bit of alt-rock was the impetus behind a medical checkup that ultimately taught me more than I ever wanted to know about thyroid nodules. Long story short, I have one, it’s not cancer, and I get to live for a very long time with a lump in my throat that’s annoying at worst. You can read the original post here: https://thevelveteenmaraca.wordpress.com/2012/07/22/eoio-its-off-to-my-biopsy-i-go/

Anyway, WordPress is an ergonomic website and they have this nifty thingy that tells you how people come to read your crap; more specifically, I can read through all the search terms people typed into Google that led them to me. Most are interesting, some are banal, others are explicit, but the king of them all is “my Adam’s apple is off center”. If you count all the weird little variations, close to one hundred people from around the globe have gone to the computer instead of a doctor and ultimately ended up reading my experience from biopsy to diagnosis. As a side note, I can always tell when they’re from overseas because they spell “center” all bass-ackwards like “centre”.

It pisses me off a bit because I know for a fact that they’re not at all interested in my writing, but hey, at least they’re reading it, right? I’ve even considered using other terms that people might search for like “persistent cough” or “chest pain” or “really big boobs” but I decided against it because artifice is a novice’s tool (by the way, I’d like to take a moment to welcome the chain smoking boob fans that just found my blog). But I can’t really be pissed; it’d be a lie to say that I didn’t do a WebMD search just before going to the doctor so I’d be a hypocrite if I got all high and mighty.

And what if I actually did some good? Statistically speaking, at least one of the people that read my blog actually did have thyroid cancer, so maybe something I wrote led them to go get their own fine needle biopsy. Maybe somebody lived that would’ve died. Maybe I’m a hero. On the news or in the movies, whenever someone is accused of being a hero, they always shrug it off with a cliché and a servile grin and say something like “oh heck, I’m no hero. I was just doing what anybody would”. I’m not sure I could be that magnanimous if push ever came to shove. If some blonde bombshell of a reporter ever dubbed me a hero with a microphone instead of a sword, I’d say “why hell yes I’m a hero” as I stood arms akimbo silhouetted by the sun. Can you picture my cape billowing behind me?

Anyway, if you have a pain in your chest and cough up things that look like they come from a cat, stop smoking and get a chest x-ray. If your Adam’s apple is off center it’s probably a nodule that needs to be checked out. Hell, if you spell it “centre” you’ve probably got government funded health care and one less excuse than the rest of us that turn to the computer every time something weird hurts. And if you like really big boobs, you’re in the wrong place.

Lastly, I write and sell books, and they never cost more than a buck. If you’re a fan of fiction, you should check out Trailer Park Juggernauts here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00704HK6Q If you’re a fan of real life with just a sprinkling of fiction, you should check out Ephemeral Truths and Short Fiction here: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AYRAXNI

According to WordPress, people in the colored countries may or may not have read about my Adam’s apple being off-center.


6 thoughts on “Adam’s Apple Off Center

  1. Adore your writing already and haven’t even read the famous Adam’s Apple being off-center post. Per my spelling you can tell that I’m from a country that likes to stomp their ill people to death. The term ‘fine-needle biopsy’ is one of those euphemisms (ie: outright lies) in medicine. Truly, it is like you are being slashed in the neck perpendicularly by a medically sanctioned official. I rather guess that you have said as much in the post I am heading to read. I am in the middle of the larger red firmament, but I have lived North, South, East and West though not so far that I could see Russia from there.
    Thanks for following my writing as I have now found you and yours. They took my bump out so luckily I have a smooth neck. But the lump-in-my-throat jokes had some mileage for awhile. My best to you and your Adam’s Apple.

  2. Thanks for following my blog. JJ. I promise I won’t mention my Adam’s Apple, but good luck with your benign nodule, even though you don’t know how to spell ‘centre’ 🙂

  3. Thanks for stopping by my blog! and yes, I’m with you on the search terms — sometimes it’s fun to see how people find my blog. For a while I got a lot of explicit search term hits because of a post on Douglas Adams’ “Last Chance to See” and the mention of a bird called the blue-footed booby. 🙂

  4. Liked your story about your AA. You are fun to read. Thanks for following my blog. I have a blue footed booby bird that my poodle plays with. They love each other, Maybe you will read one of my books at Amazon.com Brady is a good read. JCBEAVER out!

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